O P I N I O N
NOT THAT PROFOUND
By Nathan Graziano
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and I’m already listless.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, for maybe a week or two, and already I’m roaming the bars around Manchester like the Ancient Mariner, sharing my tales of twenty years drinking at a bar that is now closed for renovations.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and maybe now it is high time to get back into shape, physically and mentally and spiritually. Maybe I’ll visit the gym and jog on the treadmill while listening to podcasts on the power of positive thinking. Maybe I’ll replace take-out pizza with broiled chicken and broccoli. Maybe, instead of playing Ike Reilly songs on the TouchTunes jukebox at a bar closed for renovations, I’ll practice mindfulness, sit in silence, become one with Mother Earth.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and maybe now I’ll pursue those things that I’ve been putting off while drinking draft beer and thinking there was always more time. Maybe I’ll start that novel or learn to play the tuba. Maybe I’ll clean the gutters and mow the lawn and change a few light bulbs around the house that have been dead long before Chelbys closed for renovations.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and maybe now I’ll become a family guy, although my kids have moved out of the house. Maybe I’ll transfer the money that I would’ve spent at Chelbys, if it were not closed for renovations, into their bank accounts. Maybe next Christmas my kids will buy me a T-shirt that reads World’s #1 Dad, and a snowblower.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and maybe now my wife and I can spend some quality time at home together, away from Chelbys, which is closed for renovations. Maybe we’ll start a reality television show about our marriage where the cameras can follow us as we embark on a series of thrilling adventures to the grocery store and the Home Depot, where I’m perpetually lost and confused, and then Chelbys—no, wait, they’re closed for renovations.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, and maybe now it is high time to replace my vices with healthier habits. Maybe I’ll stop drinking beer and start drinking tea, decaffeinated—chamomile and hibiscus and peppermint. Maybe I’ll stop gambling on every game played with a ball—and some that are not—and start praying in earnest, break out The Bible from my nightstand and memorize the Psalms.
Chelbys is closed for renovations, but “Monster: The Ed Gein Story” recently dropped at Netflix, and the “Terrifier” movies are free on Prime, so maybe now I’ll camp on the couch and wait for Chelbys to reopen, renovated with new barstools and ice cold beers and a new me—not really.