“Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.”
– Fleur Conkling Heyliger
I have loved The Adoption Creed, as the poem above is often called, ever since I first read it. I remember making some sort of poster out of it for friends who had adopted a beautiful baby girl. It’s just one of those lovely sayings that stays with you. I never applied it to me personally until I met and fell in love with the two kids who would become my beloved stepchildren.
I first met my step kids the summer of 1995, about 2 months after I began dating their dad. On our very first informal date he raved about his kids. On subsequent get togethers we both talked of many things but our kids were probably our favorite topic. I often tell my husband it was his love of his children that I first was drawn to. And his cats 
.
The Summer of ’95 was something I’ll always remember. I was dating a really fun guy and his kids were amazing. My youngest and his youngest were only 6 months apart in age, both 11 at the time. And he had A DAUGHTER!! Something I always wanted but the Universe decided I was more of a Boy Mom and honestly, I am. But my stepdaughter was AND IS amazing!! Outdoorsy and athletic, when I met her she loved camping, running and shopping, lol. I also had a teenager who was 16 at the time, and while he didn’t spend a lot of time with us hanging out, when he did he got along well with the new people in my life.
That summer we did so many cool family things, the St. Anthony Festival in Wilmington, DE, was our first big outing and it was a blast. We then headed up to Pennsylvania to go camping and caving, then back to Delaware for a great time at a Wilmington Blue Rocks game. We did a ton of swimming in their apartment pool and went camping up in Pennsylvania again, this time at Knoebels Groves. There were so many small, everyday sort of interactions as well. By the end of the summer I was deeply in love with this man and these kids and began thinking about a future for all of us as a family. The next two years flew by in a haze of family outings with most of the kids and romantic weekends with just the two of us. By the time we got engaged I couldn’t wait to be their step-mom and call his children my own.
There was never a question of who would be our wedding party, our kids, of course! And when we got married we made sure they were right there with us. Because for us, our children were the only people we could think of that we genuinely needed beside us. Also, we both realized that we weren’t just marrying each other, but creating a new family. So in my heart we were all joined together that day.
That was almost 30 years ago and since then we have all done a lot of living. We have had incredible joys and terrifying lows. We sure weren’t the Brady Bunch!! But I’m so grateful that we built good relationships with our children’s other parents because the kids needed and deserved all of us. My previous husband, Carmen, and my current husband had formed a pretty good friendship before Carmen passed in 2019. The mother of my step-kids, Ruth, and I are good friends. Over the decades we would talk by phone and now, with the Internet, text often and share pictures with each other. When my step-son was about 13 he came to live with us and I remember Ruth saying then that is was our good relationship and communication that helped her accept that. And honestly, we needed her input as well. We are a FAMILY and we all want the same for our kids. To be happy, healthy and LOVED. When my step-daughter graduated from college and married, I was there, heart bursting with love for her and the pride and joy on her parents’ faces.
I’ve had a few folks over the years ask me why I refer to my stepchildren as, well, step-children. One person asked if it was because I didn’t love them as much as my birth children. NOTHING could be further from the truth!!! I love them as much as my birth children and used to refer to them both as my wonderful step-babies. But they’re both in their 40s now with kids of their own so babies they are not. I refer to them as my step-kids out of an abundance of respect for their mother and my friend, Ruth. I certainly think of them as Mine and Ours, I’m just being courteous and respectful. Not in any way do I view them as anything “less than.”
As a family, we’ve experienced the same challenges that other families faced over the last 30 years. Financial problems, menopause, long-term unemployment, drug addiction, alcoholism and mental illness are the ones that immediately come to mind. Several times over the years we have been stressed and stretched to the breaking point. My marriage was full of ups and downs and we separated several times. But we never stopped loving each other, we just couldn’t live peacefully together sometimes. But what was never at issue was that no matter what happened to the marriage, we would always be a family. I’m happy to say my marriage is hanging in there and my husband and I are happily discovering the joys of being grandparents together.
And oh, what a joy that is!!!! All of our grandkids come from my step-babies (lol!) and now I’m a grandmother of five incredible youngsters. Ruth sent me newborn pics of all of them when they arrived and then continued to keep me updated as they grew, for which I am forever grateful because it really helped me to feel included and a genuine part of the family. My step-kids lived far away from Pennsylvania. In Florida and Texas, actually. Ruth lived close to our son in Texas and was able to drive back and forth from Florida to Texas to see our daughter and her babies. My step-daughter is wonderful about posting on FB so I am able to stay up to date, be part of the conversation and family. My step-son and his wife aren’t big on social media, so I am very grateful to Ruth for keeping me updated and involved.
My husband and I tried to visit the kids regularly, Florida one year and Texas the next. Texas was a BEAR get to. With limited funds we couldn’t afford to fly non-stop and the layovers and running from gate to gate to make connections was tough for me, as I’m partially disabled. But we did it when we could and seeing our family at the other end always made the trip worth it.
Florida was easier in that we could drive there if money was too tight to fly and we happened to have a vehicle that could make the trip. Once we drove down in a rental truck with my mother-in-law’s furniture, for her granddaughter and flew home. Another time we took Greyhound buses from Philadelphia to Gainesville, Fl., and holy cow was THAT an adventure! One of my favorite Florida trips was when we drove down in Jessica, my red convertible. I put the top down and drove my grand girls around their town like they were movie stars. On our last visit our granddaughter, Ella, and I had a great time watching movies and talking about practically everything, and her younger sister, Ava, entertained me with her favorite songs and dance moves. That was about three years ago and we are way overdue for a visit. My husband is flying down this summer and I plan to take Amtrak when time and finances allow. It’s been way too long since I’ve seen my Sunshine State girls!
About three years ago a wonderful thing happened. My step-son and his family moved to New Jersey!!! So we no longer have to spend thousands of dollars on airfare to visit our “Texas Kids”!! Hooray! When our Texas family moved to New Jersey I was ready to finally step up as a step-mom AND Grandmom. The kids were 15, 6 and 3 at the time. The teenager knew me best, having interacted with me multiple times over the years and we already had established a relationship. The two younger kids, “the Littles” as I called them, didn’t remember me at all so we were starting fresh. “What do we call you?” they asked. Their paternal grandmother, Ruth, was their Nana. Their maternal grandmother, Denise, was their Grammy. My Florida gals just call me Irene, so does “the Teenager.” So I told them Irene is fine, or if they wanted to they could call me Grandma Rene. The youngest decided I was Grandma Rene so Grandma Rene I joyfully became.
That first summer was wild and wonderful. Getting to know my grandkids and daughter-in-law better, reconnecting with my beloved step-son and finding my way around South Jersey. We made a mission of checking out local playgrounds, parks and libraries. We learned that Dollar Tree was our favorite store, Lloyd’s was our favorite Ice Cream stand and so many other wonderful memories. I also learned that my littles were very picky eaters and mealtimes were not so much fun. Bedtime as well. The first time I watched the kids by myself while their parents went out of town for a work trip was a challenging learning experience for us, but we got through it and now we all know each other better and are truly bonded, so even the not-so-great times are a blessing to me. And now it’s my turn to keep the other grandmothers informed, send pictures and greet them on their visits! I love seeing them when they come east and am so happy to be sharing grandparent duties with two such amazing women.
I cannot imagine my life without my step babies and now their own babies in it. The depth of love I feel for them is a source of comfort and joy. The extended family that they brought to me are now a part of my own family. The grandmothers I share them with have become dear friends. I am forever grateful to my husband for the gift of his children through marriage as well as the gift of his enduring love.
“Not flesh of my flesh not bone of my bone…” and my love for them continues to grow bigger and stronger.
The Urban Hippie is a 60-something senior living in the Philly burbs. Still trying to figure out what she wants to be when and if she ever grows up. She welcomes all feedback and can be reached at ireneemartinother@gmail.com.