O P I N I O N
THE URBAN HIPPIE
By Irene Martin
Expectations is a big word. Four syllables and a lot of letters. Often used in conjunction with adjectives like Great, Meets, Unrealistic and other modifiers.
But what exactly are “expectations”? According to Google AI:
“Expectations are strong beliefs or mental anticipations that future events will occur, acting as a mental framework for interpreting experiences and influencing emotions.”
There’s a phrase I learned in recovery that advises expectations are just delayed disappointments. Which I find very helpful. Don’t have expectations of other people’s behaviors, success or failures. Be supportive but have strong boundaries. And realize their journey is their own. Not what you might hope, pray or expect it to be.
I don’t disagree with that but I have learned since that discussing and setting expectations for yourself and others also avoids unnecessary drama when the unexpected happens.
In my past life as a corporate trainer and call center supervisor expectations were a constant topic of discussion. Representatives were trained to make sure customers expectations were set as to what would happen next, what actions they might need to take, and what might happen if they didn’t follow up. Also what to expect from our company, when and why. If expectations were clearly set and met, it was a win-win for all. And I make sure on every personal business call I make to re-state what I think my next steps are, what I can expect from the company I’m talking to and when. And I write everything in a little note book.
Discussing and setting expectations with kids is something I don’t think I did a lot as a parent. I told them to “behave” or “be good” and assumed that they understood. And then would correct any “bad” behior after it occured. Since working at my favorite post retirement gig so far, an after school program for our local elementary schools, I have learned how insufficient that was for my kids and myself. But I didn’t know a better way. The training, education and practical application I have learned in the last few years I sincerely wish I had before I had my own children. But I didn’t and I did the best I could do with the knowledge and information I had at the time. And failed miserably. But that’s a column for another day.
What working with kids has taught me is that setting expectations for kids is very important to help them get ready for change or transition, and to understand the rules and behaviors that are expected of them. We go over the specific expectations of behaviors for the playground, gym, any new group project, etc. Knowing what is expected of them ahead of time sets them up for success, rather than waiting to correct behaviors as they occur. Which we still do of course, but then we refer them back to what the expectations were for this activity and help them understand why their behavior needed adjusting. As a former corporate trainer this is pretty much what I did with every module I taught, and my students were adults. If we go to all of the trouble to set expectations for adult learners it makes perfect sense that we should do this for our youngest learners. And it really does make a difference.
When three of our grandkids and their parents first moved from Houston to New Jersey they really didn’t know me well, nor I them. So I loved driving them all around South Jersey and getting to know all of the fun places in their neighborhood. What really helped all of us as we were adjusting were the skills I learned while working with kids at school. We would discuss and set their expectations before we left the house about what we were doing, approximately how long it would take us to get there, and what I expected of them once we arrived. We would go over car behavior expectations so that we could all get there in one piece.
Once we arrived we reviewed our expectations for that particular outing. Let’s say it was to a new playground. The expectations we would discuss were:
1. Listen to Grandma Rene if she says STOP, GET DOWN or COME HERE NOW.
They learned that if they didn’t understand or agree with those directions to come to me to discuss. And I would explain to them as best I could and it was almost always about safety or being considerate of others on the playground. I took my grandkids to Dollar Tree for the first time that summer and we set expectations ahead of time and while it was a wild and wooly ride I considered it a success with almost 70% compliance. Afterwards we discussed what we needed to work on before our next visit. Now our outings are much more fun and so much easier because they know what’s expected of them and I know what to expect from them. And when expectations aren’t met we discuss why. Sometimes my expectations are unrealistic and sometimes the kids just decide they want to do something other than what they were being told. No big tragedy because we all learn when we talk about it afterwards.
So what kind of expectations do my grandkids and I discuss? Let’s say we’re going to the library, one of our favorite places, for Lego Day. Our expectations would be:
1. Inside voices and walking feet.
2. Grandma Rene must be able to see you at all times unless you have asked permission to go into another room. (The 9 year old is really getting into reading and likes a reading nook in another room away from the LEGO noise.)
3. We take turns with the LEGO and ASK our friends to share and we share back.
4. Let Grandma Rene know before you go to the bathrooms so I know where you are.
5. If you’re getting frustrated or upset either find something else to do, step away for a few minutes or come and talk to me about it. We don’t throw/grab or call names.
5. Before we leave we clean up anything we need to and thank the Librarians for a great day.
Playground Expectations are similar and I remind them:
1. Slides are only for coming DOWN, on our bottoms.
2. Be aware of the other kids on the playground and take turns. Say excuse me if you need to get by them, don’t just push past them.
3. When I call you, you come immediately. It doesn’t always mean there’s a problem or we’re leaving. Come and find out why I need to speak to you.
Dollar Tree Expectations
1. You must be in the aisle that I am in at all times.
2. Only the agreed upon snacks and toy. One of each, no candy – chips or cookies only per Mom, Dad and the dentist.
3. We wait patiently until it’s our turn in line then you can unload the cart.
4. We always thank the cashier.
Parking Lot Expectations
1. Do NOT exit the car until Grandma Rene is there with you.
2. We hold hands and wait patiently until it’s safe.
3. We hold hands as we cross the parking lot.
4. If we fail we go back and do it again until we get it right.
I know some of these are pretty basic and simple. But remember, I was with children who really didn’t know me and I wasn’t sure how well they would listen. I must say they caught on quickly and before every single outing now we discuss expectations. They love having input and I try to accommodate any reasonable request. Our adventures are usually a lot of fun because we’re not wasting time on the annoying but important minutiae we should have worked out before we left the house.
Recently I was visiting them and noticed my daughter-in-law was being run ragged in her kitchen by the two youngest kids. I decided we need a set of Kitchen Expectations that she could easily refer them back to. We kept it simple and they contributed words and artwork and here’s what we came up with:
Now when they’re being impatient or forgetful she can refer them back to the set of expectations they helped create.
Setting expectations among adults is also a great idea. How many of us have gone out with friends or family thinking we were doing one thing and suddenly it turned into something else? I know that’s happened to me many times. I have family members who used to spring surprises and or people on me that I didn’t expect and rarely did I respond positively. I remember going to a concert with an older sister and suddenly there were two of her friends there that I was unaware were attending and was so uncomfortable the entire time. And this was a regular thing with this sister, I was told one thing would happen and something else would occur. I’m someone who does not respond well to surprises in public or hanging with people I don’t know well. I feel very uncomfortable and I know it’s hard for some of my family and friends to understand. But now that I’ve learned about setting expectations before an event or outing things go much easier. I ask questions so I know what’s happening ahead of time and I’m able to decide if it’s something I would like to participate in. And I let the people I’m with know that if their plans change please let me know so that I can also plan accordingly. I understand plans go awry and am as flexible as I can be. But when everyone is on the same page it makes for a more enjoyable time. At least, for me.
I have found the same works for me and my husband when we’re going somewhere together. We set expectations ahead of time to help avoid unpleasant surprises. We discuss where we’re heading and any stops that need to be made. This way one of us can opt out, or maybe add a stop. Me personally? I hate stops except for bathroom breaks. Once I’m in the car I just want to get to where I’m going as quickly as possible. My husband on the other hand has to stop to get something to drink and a snack. It doesn’t matter how far we’re going, even if it’s just to the grandkids an hour away, he has to get his drink and snack. So he understands I’m in a rush to get there and I understand he will be thirsty and we compromise to get us both in a good mood with a minimum of fuss. Usually.
I encourage you to give setting expectations a try in your personal relationships, especially with kids. I’ve found it usually makes the going much easier and a lot less stressful. I hope you have found something useful in this column. My goal is always to entertain and maybe pass on a tip or two for navigating our human experience. And please feel free to share your tips with me! To quote Ram Dass, “We are all just walking each other home.”
The Urban Hippie is a 60-something senior living in the Philly burbs. Still trying to figure out what she wants to be when and if she ever grows up. She welcomes all feedback and can be reached at ireneemartinother@gmail.com.