[Author’s Note: Hat-tip to Gay Talese’s famous profile “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold” from the April 1966 edition of Esquire. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and read it here. It is brilliant.]
Nate Graziano has The Covid. Again. This is the third time Nate Graziano has had The Covid. It’s August, and Nate Graziano is burning up, lying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with the chills. His muscles ache like he has been street brawling in a downtown alley. He can’t stop coughing, a wet hack, a barking sound one might expect from a character in a Dostoevsky novel.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid, and he stays home with his dog, Buster, watching a “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” marathon, still curled up on the couch. Nate Graziano is feeling pretty damn bad for himself. When Nate Graziano has The Covid, he wants everyone to feel bad for him, including himself. And Buster, who does.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid. Meanwhile his wife and their friends are boozing it up at Salona Bar & Grill, buying rounds, laughing at each other’s jokes.
“Where is Nate Graziano?” one of the friends asks Nate Graziano’s wife.
His wife’s eyes grow wide with surprise. “You haven’t heard? Nate Graziano has The Covid.”
“That’s a drag,” says the friend.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid, and like many among us, Nate Graziano has practiced selective amnesia when it comes to The Covid since the pandemic ended. He forgot about it, let down his guard, stopped getting his booster shots. But The Covid never ended. It continued to loiter like a man with a mullet in front of a convenience store, cranking on Kools. You don’t notice it until you do. Recently, more and more men with mullets have started loitering in front of convenience stores, cranking on Kools. If you don’t look at them, it doesn’t mean they’re not there. And they’re nasty sons of bitches.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid, and he is writing in metaphors, a symptom not widely reported.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid, and he talked to a nurse earlier today, who clarified the new guidelines for him. The nurse told Nate Graziano that he is no longer required to quarantine for five days, but he should stay at home, wrapped in his blanket, watching “SVU” until his symptoms subside, and he should wear a mask for five days when going to indoor venues afterwards. The nurse said nothing to Nate Graziano about The Covid causing patients to write in metaphor.
*
Nate Graziano has The Covid, and someday he won’t. That’s just how it goes with The Covid.