Dear Cable,

It’s not you, it’s me. 

We had a good run together. When all was said and done, we spent more than four decades with each other. I would say that there were more good times than bad, but all good times must come to an end. 

The fact is that I simply can’t afford to be with you anymore. You drained my bank account, and still, you wanted more. You demanded money from me and threatened to leave if I didn’t pay. 

That’s not love; that’s extortion. 

So many times, you simply shut off, even when you knew there was a big game later in the day and, more than anything in the world, I wanted to watch it. But you didn’t care. Coldy, you’d shut off until I gave you more money than I could afford. 

That’s not love; that’s cruelty.

But I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. You were breathtaking in 1986 when I first saw your MTV, those videos and vibrant colors and flashing lights and Jon Bon Jovi and so much Aqua Net. Oh, Cable, how I loved you then.

Sure, along the way, I had a few transgressions—a few descramblers, a few times splicing you from neighbors. I am sorry. I know it was wrong. 

Then, when you found out about the neighbors, we took a break from each other. I took up with some books and the Red Sox games on the radio while you seemed to be with everyone I knew, moving on from me without a single glance back. 

Eventually, I’d find you again in a new house, and we hooked up. We hooked up for 24 years this time, nearly a quarter of a century. You were there when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, then again in 2007, then again in 2013, then again in 2018! 

That was love.

You were there for five Pats Super Bowl wins, two Celtics World Championships and Bruins’ Stanley Cup. You gave me some of the best moments of my life, and for that, I will always cherish you.

But let’s face it, things have changed. I now have other options, cheaper options, options that will care for me as much as you did—without your constant texts and phone calls.

That’s not love; that’s harassment. 

So it’s finally over between us, Cable. Don’t bother to call. I’ll return your stuff as soon as I can. I’m seeing a Roku now, and things are going great. 

Goodbye, Cable. I wish you nothing but the best—but Xfinity can still kiss my ass.

Yours,

Snuggle Bear 

You can reach Nate Graziano at ngrazio5@yahoo.com