O P I N I O N
NOT THAT PROFOUND
By Nathan Graziano
As many of us have already started mentally circling the wagons, waiting to attack Thursday’s Thanksgiving plate with a ferocity borne only from our own gluttony, the game of asking people about their favorite Thanksgiving dish has begun.
However, I would argue that the game and the question are both absurd because there is only one correct answer: stuffing.
Allow me to explain.
Turkey or mashed potatoes—even doused in deliciously fattening gravy—is a pedestrian response and patently unacceptable. How many times a year do most people have turkey and/or mashed potatoes?
Granted, it may be a rarity to bake an entire 15-pound bird on a Tuesday evening in March, but for most meat eaters, turkey is still a staple in their diet. And most people have mashed potatoes—or some form of a potato1—a couple of times a week. It’s not a novelty.
Additionally, anyone who answers with cranberry sauce is a straight-up psychopath, and their answer should be immediately discarded. And anyone who answers with a vegetable dish is either a skinny nerd or a vegan, and their answers are also wrong.
The only acceptable answer is stuffing.
Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday, and stuffing is entirely decadent, gratuitous and self-indulgent, which are all proudly American characteristics. In many ways, the United States is now the stuffing of the world community.
Then there is also the fact that stuffing is a veritable carb-bomb with little-to-no nutritional value, which only adds to the veracity2.
It’s a well-known fact that most people gain a few pounds during the holiday season, and there is no better way to give this bloating your blessing than kick it off with a plateful of baked bread crumbs and butter—although the true kitchen heroes might throw some sausage in there—then saturating it with gravy.
It’s also known that turkey contains tryptophan, a chemical that produces serotonin thus drowsiness, which apocryphally helps to induce folks into that notorious food coma on the nearest couch following the Thanksgiving Day meal.
But I’ll argue that the stuffing carb-bomb doesn’t get enough credit. While you’re lying on the couch like Jabba the Hutt, watching football and nodding into dreamland, we need to give those stuffing carbs some deserved props.
And when you step on the scale the next day and you’re suddenly motivated to hit the treadmill at the nearest gym, you can thank, in part, that plate of stuffing3.
So whenever someone asks you about your favorite Thanksgiving dinner dish, know there is only one acceptable response.
The answer is stuffing.
- French fries, baked potatoes, hash browns, etc. ↩︎
- If you’re about to pop off here, please realize this is somewhat satirical. Then again, most of you probably hate me already. ↩︎
- Admittedly, I’m omitting the desserts, the apple and pumpkin pies, the chocolate cakes, cookies, and any aperitifs that could also contribute to the cause. But in my experiences, these are usually served post-coma, waiting for the Thursday night football game. ↩︎
You can reach Nate Graziano at ngrazio5@yahoo.com.