O P I N I O N
NOT THAT PROFOUND
By Nathan Graziano
I’m particularly fond of using the term “douchebag” when referring to someone deserving of contempt. I’ve been drawn to the word since I first watched the iconic SNL skit set in the Victorian-era with Lord and Lady Douchebag.
But what exactly is a douchebag? Where did the term originate? And, more importantly, how can we positively identify a douchebag?
It turns out that defining a “douchebag” is etymologically slippery1.
A douchebag, as an object, is clearly defined as a device used for cleansing certain areas of the human body, most commonly associated with feminine hygiene. So the object is, quite literally, a bag used in the process of douching.
However, linguists believe that “douchebag” as an insult was a slang term first used in the 1960s to describe an unpleasant, offensive person, although it was also used as an adjective in author James Jones’ 1951 novel “From Here to Eternity.”
However, there seems to be some disconnect between the literal meaning of the object and the connotations associated with the insult. Why is a reviling person metaphorically associated with the object?
Unfortunately, I was not able to unearth a solid explanation. Possibly it has to do with the object being something that is associated with unpleasantness and revulsion, but that is pure speculation.
But the term is certainly a part of our modern lexicon, and it also seems to be simultaneously opaque and poignant. So I’m going to undertake the task of listing some characteristics I associate with the common douchebag, although this could also be somewhat esoteric.
First of all, there are the obvious things that make a person—male or female, although it seems more common in males—a douchebag. For example, if a person is racist, homophobic, misogynistic or generally disparaging of other people based on anything other than the content of their character, that person is indubitably a douchebag.
But other signs of douchery can be a little more subtle, so here is a short list that I’ve compiled.
- Bad tippers. While any person who is rude, impatient or condescending to their servers is ostensibly a douchebag, bad tippers can fly under the radar and hide their douchery from others. Nonetheless, given exceptions for atrocious service2, not tipping a minimum of 20 percent is a surefire sign of a douchebag.
- Not holding doors for others. This happened to me the other day as I was walking out of Planet Fitness, a place with a lot of traffic and people coming in and going out all of the time. Of course, this can be tricky because one is never quite sure of the exact distance and time elapsed for holding the door, but human decency demands that we err on the side of caution here and hold the door if there is a question. And you don’t just hold the door for women—although if you don’t hold the door for a woman or an elderly person, you’re a next-level douche—you hold the door for everyone. So I was leaving the gym last week, literally six feet behind this guy at the exit, and he just let that door slam in my face. What a douchebag.
- Talks over others in conversations. We all know this person. It is the person who speaks a decimal louder than everyone else at the table to assure that their voice is the one being heard above everyone else’s. They interrupt others when they are speaking because what they have to say clearly takes precedent over what others are saying on the topic. When this person loudly monopolizes a conversation, all you can do is shake your head and mutter under your breath, “What a douchebag.”
- Monopolizes the jukebox at a bar. As of right now, we still live in a democracy, meaning everyone has a voice, and their voice matters. When you’re at a bar or restaurant where they have a Touch Tunes jukebox, this is democracy in action. There is a queue for songs, and everyone with the app waits their turn and can listen to whatever they want to hear, eventually. However, if there happens to be a douchebag at the bar, who might, for example, play three hours worth of Doors’ songs, including a 20-minute live version of “When the Music’s Over,” twice, democracy is crushed by douchery.
Essentially, a douchebag—as I see it— is selfish and self-possessed with little-to-no empathy for others, and the only place, apparently, where douchebags are welcomed these days is The White House.
- There is even some debate whether the term is one or two words but, for the sake of this column, I’m going to side with Merriam-Webster. ↩︎
- I wrote about my own forays as a waiter and how miserably incompetent I was here. ↩︎